I'm not sure where to post this or even if it's appropriate but since it involves the application of what I've learned through Elan's teachings I'll put this out here.
I find myself in an ongoing situation that I would not have asked to be in, but I sense a higher purpose at work and see it as one of those times my higher self (total Self) is orchestrating. It is so complex I will need to leave out many details and just give the bare bones of it here, so bear with me.
About three years ago my next door neighbor asked for help with paying for a prescription she needed as she had lost her insurance and had no money. I agreed, but little did I know that it would turn into a convoluted series of events that continues to this day. She is disabled with mental and physical health issues and a rather checkered past, but she is a human being and I realize all things being equal it was my choice to help or not. That was just the beginning of a journey filled with challenges, opportunities, many instances of agony and so far, red light synchronicity.
Many levels and realities were at play, it soon became evident.
Dealing with faceless agencies and their representatives became an ordeal of such proportion it felt as though the universe itself was conspiring to destroy everything in its path. I know the universe has my back and all things, even seeming negative ones are for an ultimate good, but I wasn't seeing it, wasn't feeling it. Time to look at some beliefs.
I create my own reality as she is the creator of hers and it seemed as though she was unconsciously hell bent on exploring the depths of lack and limitation facing homelessness, destitution and literally life threatening health situations. My own situation was dark as I continued to choose to help to the best of my ability but continued to see no resolution either immediate or even on the horizon. I did not prefer this at all.
I can see how I have attracted this situation in order to learn from it, and circumstances are neutral and I assign the meaning but it's been taking some self reflection to get there.
The matter of helping her financially became a moral wrangling and I resented being put into a position where I felt extorted by state and federal agencies and I was to be the arbiter of life and death in a very literal sense. I am retired and I watch in real time as my life savings dwindle. I look at the whole responsible for and responsible to issue and it is brought into clear focus...I question my sanity as I wonder if I should ever have chosen to help her at all, and always striving to do 'the right thing' as I decide it to be, I decide that I will. I choose that I will knowing somehow everything will work out BECAUSE I SAY SO. I get stubborn like that. I seek to lift my sister but she is so heavy now. I need to see her as Light yeah?
Every day poses a new opportunity to choose and I know I am free to walk away from everything and one way or another ALL THAT IS will care for her, but as representative of ALL THAT IS in human form it comes back to me.
She is the same and is the Creator too, but she doesn't know it yet. If a demon and a bulldog had a love child, that would be her on the outside, but I know she has a Heart of goodness and she feels terrible about the situation as it has played out for me. She has been deemed unlovable by all but not by God, this I know, and as God is within me...so it plays out. As I continue to apply what I know, face and transform fear and anxiety as they arise, I have one foot in the unknown and I'm okay with that. Sure would like a break though! I figure that break will come from inside as I shift and will then be reflected outside...no division really but at this point in time I'm still in it. I'll update as I move it.
So, as wordy as all this has been, it is the short version nonetheless. Any insights welcome. Thanks. Love to you all.
Hello Dave, meant to reply for some time, but I can see already some fantastic answers by Elan Interactions and JoAnn and wasn't sure what I will be able to add to this. Somehow, this is all tied to the post that I just shared in this forum, inspired by a long comment from Elan Interactions about awareness of negativity. First and foremost, thanks so much for being so open in sharing your story with us. It is deeply personal and it must not be easy but I wish to thank you for your courage and I am certain that the conversations that ensued from it will help others as well.
I really believe that we are all at a nexus point right now, and the awareness of negativity is increasing as we expand quickly. It is happening both in our personal lives (like your story) and in the outer world, and more than ever, we are invited to remain centered and loving to ourselves unconditionally, doing what excites us the most with integrity even if our external surroundings appear to be the opposite. I feel that this is where many may drift back into old habits and patterns as it's really really hard, being empathic beings, to watch others suffer. How can we have fun and follow our joy when our neighbor is in pain? How to not feel guilt at following our excitement when someone suffers in another country of famine and war or a family member contracts a life threatening illness? Paradoxically, this is exactly the time to double-down on our excitement (with integrity) and remain centered to who we truly are.
I have pondered on this for a very long time, going so far as to work and volunteer in difficult environments watching death in real time and destruction around me. It was my own spiritual awakening that enabled me to function and find true happiness despite what I have seen and experienced.
I realized that embodying joy and happiness really made a difference to the environments I entered, and even transformed the people around me. If I became like them (depressed and angry), I was depriving them of the gift of a true example of how happiness could look like. This helped me to really reconcile 'following my excitement with integrity' whilst acknowledging the suffering of others with compassion. Otherwise the cognitive dissonance would have been too great and I would have been paralyzed by emotional pain. Following my excitement with integrity gives me the energy to build my dreams of building a social movement that brings humanity to the next level. Empathy alone does not.
I think there have been many studies of experienced meditators like Jack Kornfeld and Matthieu Richard, to examine the difference between empathy vs compassion. Empathy results in paralysis and emotional pain, whereas compassion does not. Just some breadcrumbs to follow.
Just my two cents to add to this conversation :).😉
Dave, thank you for bringing up such an important example for everyone to reflect on as this is a common trap for many who are awakening and reaching out to help others out of their loving kindness, but then ending up taking on responsibility for them.
Your post has also gifted us with a fabulous response from @Elan Interactions to really bring clarity to this common situation for us.
I too have fallen into the trap of the 'unhealthy helper' out of my love of wanting to help various family members and others over the years and it took me a long time to realize that not only was I doing a disservice to myself... both financially and also affecting my own health by taking on tasks that stressed my system to the limits at times... but also to them by not allowing them to take responsibility for themselves and leaving them dependant on me as that was so much easier for them than having to step up and do something about their own plight and take responsibility for themselves.
As the Great Masters tell us... we should not interfere with another's life lessons as we only delay their progress and do them a great disservice... and also do ourselves a disservice. It is a very tough lesson to learn when your heart screams 'help them' when we see them struggling with some extremely difficult, and also very painful 'lessons'.
When I look back now, I also see that not only was it my loving kindness wanting to help, but there was also an unconscious sense of guilt playing out... particularly when realizing I needed to 'let them go'. And that was another exploration within myself to discover why I felt so guilty if I didn't help someone.
In other words, I wasn't helping people out of my 'excitement and integrity'... I helped out because I felt guilty if I didn't... big difference!!
So, thank you again for your post! 😍
Thank you. I understand and will act according to what I now know.
As I seem to have a 'helping' theme running through my life this is an important lesson for me.
I feel 'others' within myself and always have since an early age. This has caused identity confusion at many points in my life as though soaking up the surrounding environment and other peoples energies made it hard to know who I am. More and more I can discern the singularity of myself though it's taken a lifetime to do so.
I do find great joy in being of service and have found it difficult to find the balance between bestowal and reception, giving and receiving, but I see that issue with more clarity now.
I will live my truth in service to myself and others. This I declare.
The particular situation mentioned in this post is culminating now and I break free from a seemingly harmful yet very illuminating period in this life. All that you say I know within me and serves as a loving reminder, so I thank you for the clarity and kindness offered.
Yesterday I deleted this posting after reflecting on it for a while as it did not sit well with me and I felt vulnerable putting so much personal info out in public but I am neutral about it now, so if you think it may be of service to others you may let it stand.
update as I'm in the middle of this reply I had a phone conversation with the neighbor and we resolved the situation between us in a positive way, so the synchronicity has played out just right. I'm ready for whatever life has to offer ....man, this is an intense ride!
edit addition... Yes, even this situation has been of service to myself and the other in a most positive way. I know my actions, errors in judgement and all, saved her physical life and she knows this too. Perhaps if I had followed my excitement they could have worked out more smoothly but live and learn. I move forward with Love.
The first subject is being responsible to vs. for this person. Being responsible to her is being your most authentic self with integrity. Period. The way to be most authentically yourself is to follow your excitement with integrity, this is your compass to the immediate actions that are actually "most you." Being responsible for her is being led around by the window dressing of the situation, e.g. the "convoluted series of events that continues to this day.", and doing a lot of things which simply feel unexciting to you or perhaps more accurately feel really bad, as though you're being manipulated, even if the manipulation seems unintentional (our assessment from your words alone is that it is not unintentional).
Acting on the thread of your moment-to-moment excitement can be a "fickle mistress" if the tapestry of your overall excitement is very large because the pattern being constructed on the tapestry from those moment-to-moment threads may not seem obvious until enough of the tapestry has been woven from those threads. SO, it's not uncommon for one to not be able to see how moment-to-moment excitement always leads to the most exciting thing. Therefore, it's the excitement itself that lets you know that you are using the correct threads and that you are weaving the correct overall pattern on the tapestry of your life.
That's the basis. A few clarifications. Not following your excitement, though still with integrity is not the same as following your excitement with integrity. Acting with integrity is always the highest expression of action of your true purpose, and always more in alignment with the overall unconditional love of All-That-Is, but in this case, from your written description here, you are acting with integrity but pretty much factoring out your excitement. Fear and anxiety are not excitement. We say this because the very existence of your inquiry and the tone throughout it implies, and correct us if we're mistaken, that helping her, while being "retired" and watching your life savings dwindle, does not sound like either your overall most exciting thing, nor your moment-to-moment exciting thing. Neither.
If you truly trust your excitement 100% it delivers a 100% result in your life. If you trust it 50%, you'll get less than that 100% result. Either you trust your excitement completely, you trust it partially, or you don't trust it at all. Getting clear and honest with where you are on that spectrum is the next step of acknowledging what you already believe about this, which is the only way that you can change it.
It may seem on the surface cruel to disconnect from a situation such as you have described. But if you really want to disconnect (it seems obvious that you do) and you do not disconnect, it is still cruel, only it is ... cruel to ... yourself. Loving others as yourself implies a balance between the two. Loving another at the cost of self is not expressing that balance at all.
We all know that one can enable another person to remain disabled. Isn't that what you're doing here? You can answer this by answering whether what you are doing is ever leading to a authentic solution, or just continually "kicking the can down the road." Your description implies that this is ongoing with no solution in sight. In this case, if you continue with what you are doing, the only result will be that you allow yourself to be "bled dry" and the other person will still remain effectively in their same situation, likely off to find the next person who will help her by not following their excitement, though maybe with integrity. If this winds up being the result, you have done a disservice three times: to yourself, to the woman, and to the next person who will become entangled. Honoring another person is not achieved by enabling them to remain disabled, and taking yourself down with them, This is not what's meant by integrity. That is not what's meant by balanced unconditional love (balanced between self and others) . If this other person never has take care of themselves, never has to feel and live the ramifications of their own actions, choices and continuing decisions, what is the actual service being rendered by not following your excitement with integrity? It is actually a disservice in disguise.
If you're living in fear and anxiety due to this situation, you are not following your excitement, though still with integrity. That is not the so-called "formula."
What you do is always up to you. What will you do now? Which version of you will respond to this situation now? There's still time to use your excitement to make the choices moving forward which will entirely transform this situation. You'll only need to be brave and strong to get the new excitement snowball rolling. Once you get that excitement snowball starting to roll down the hill, it will roll the rest of the way by itself, only getting bigger and bigger, as excitement snow balls only can and always do. Then you can use that big snowball of excitement to build an excitement snowman, and he can be your first audience member when you play that musical instrument that you're about to gain proficiency on. You've got this, brother. Rock on. Follow your excitment with integrity, and you'll see ... perpetual change.